First off, I'd like to say "hello" to the internet, and all the people on it. Second, this blog isn't going to be pretty all the time. I try to tell it like it is whenever possible, even if it's not to everyone's liking. So the first thing I'll talk about are questions, that nobody ever asks me, and leaves me to wonder why? Why's actually the start of all the questions. The questions are "Why are you so nice?", "Why are you so kind?", and "Why are you so sweet?"
Why nobody has asked me that, is a frightening reality. Last night, Saint Valentine's day, I went roller skating. I met some interesting people, one of them, I started talking to. She was there with her boyfriend; she told me to "...at least get yourself some candy..." when I said I didn't really have a valentine. I told her my Pops is in the Vending business, and she was in dead shock. She also said "You're too nice," when it comes to my luck with the opposite sex. It got me thinking on the way home, and has caused grief for my parents as I came to a humbling realization:
"My kindness, compassion, niceness, sweetness, et cetera, isn't because I naturally am, it's because it's 'Self-Control'."
People who have seen me "vent" and you get a "WTF" pop into your mind. You don't expect, or even think of me having "anger" or being capable of it. I am, I have so much frustration, spite, resentment, distain- anger, that it's actually hurt people I've cared about over the years. I never had anything "sugar-coated" in my life. I was told "...monkey's carry diseases..." when I was three. When they read a story about a monkey, at Borders Books storytime, I stood up and shouted that. All the mothers were mortified, and my mother's response was "What, you don't tell your kids the truth?" This is my truth now; I get angry just like everybody else, but I most-likely work harder than anybody else, to control myself, outside the comforts and shelter of my home. This is what created the phrases most commonly associated with me, such as "You're/He's so nice," "You're/He's so sweet," "You're/He's so kind," and the like.
Somewhere in me, there is "good," but there's also "bad," and "ugly," too. It leads me to wonder why we can't accept that all of us have all three of those traits in us, and they'll come out at any time. I "slip up" so to speak, once in a long while, and everybody's all "WTF". Everybody in Mr. Hientschel's class the other day saw it all, and they know what I'm talking about. Everybody in Mr. Jones' U.S. Government class, saw it when I lost the court case. So I get angry, I get frustrated, I get pissed-off, but that doesn't mean I have to act on it. That's the "Self-Control". So maybe I'm "too nice," but what would you rather have: "The Impossibility, but there it is Nice 99% of the time?" Or would you want to actually see the "Angry , hateful, spiteful, frustrated, nasty, hurtful, and acidically volatile" side of me come out?
That facet of my personality has been there, with no light to it for years. When light hits it though, it is so very, very destructive. It can hurt people, it can make people fear, be hesitant, but most of the time, people forget it, and only look at the facets that keep that one in check. The facets of kindness, compassion, sweetness, caring. They're just one side of the story. Nobody wants to see that "bad" side of me. That "bad" side, is as much a part of my humanity, as the other sides of me. Why people cannot accept that side, not even my own family, hurts me more, than people being upset from when that side appears.
So I've hurt people, who cares? So I'm too nice, who cares? So I tell it like it is, who cares? You've got to grow a spine to take the good and the bad sometime. I'm too nice; it's been a bad thing for me. I tell it like it is; nobody cares. I didn't like hurting people, but I had to tell the truth. The truth sets free, but not even in my case (per say). Everything isn't going to be sugar cookies and candy corn, all the time. I've owned up to my faults, my failures, and my problems. I'm not perfect, like everybody thinks. I'm no hero. I'm no "great wise sage". I'm not some patriarch. I'm nowhere near a "religious zealot". I'm not any of the things you all think I am. I'm only human. I'm only a human-being. God knows I'm not perfect. I know I'm not perfect, and I own up to that. Most everybody think I am though. Some have seen differently, but not enough. I don't deserve your respect. I don't deserve anyones. I'd rather be bullied, despised and get belted in the stomach like Ender, by Bonzo in the "Ender's Game" movie.
Why you all think I'm so kind, wonderful, sweet, caring, nice, et cetera, I'll never know. These traits- adjectives you use for me, they're just words. Yes there is some good in me, that is manifested in these adjectives- my actions. However, a lot of it, is manifested, because of the self-control I exercise everyday, as a dam to hold back years of unhealthy disdain and frustration. Even if I open the floodgates a tiny bit, a lot comes out, but (mostly) nobody cares (or brush off the shock). They just think of all the good things, like looking through rose colored glasses. Stop looking for a second, and look at the person. See the truth. The truth somehow, is supposed to set us free, maybe, just maybe I'll gain a little freedom. This is my truth:
"My being 'too nice,' holds back a lot of fury. I myself see it, even though I don't want to. I hurt like all of you, but I'll come to aid, even as I hurt. It's not wise, but it's the right thing to do. I've done the right thing always, because I fear of if I didn't. So I am too nice, but would I, or anybody else, want to see the raw fury, that could hurt and destroy not only the people around me, people I care about, but myself as well? I don't want to look, but I do, and as such, I hold back and am that 'too nice' person, to spare from the fury."
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That's my soapbox for now. Thank you for your time. God bless.
